The Power of Self-Forgiveness: Letting Go of Past Mistakes and Moving Forward
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By the time we are adults, we carry with us all our baggage from years past. Suitcases and suitcases of experiences, both positive and negative. But somehow we seem to dwell on the negative one. These are often related to our failures, the mistakes we’ve made. The baggage is our regret and guilt. This weighs on our minds a lot. We can get stuck on these and they prevent us from moving forward.
Why do you need to let go now?
It’s really important to convince yourself to let go. That’s the first step. I really like the 4 important reasons that Mato J. Steger (Blog post: 4 Reasons To Forgive Your Past Self) lists in his blog.
You are no longer the one who made those mistakes.
You needed to learn those lessons.
Failure is just learning what didn’t work.
You don’t deserve to be punished for mistakes you wouldn’t make now.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez
It’s really important to let go. Take it as a learning experience. Would we really have known that we shouldn’t have done that? It’s only after it happened that we realized and learned from it. So if we didn’t do it, we wouldn’t have learned, right? Rather than dwell in the guilt of the mistake, acknowledge your mistake out loud and that you’re different now. But remember that forgiveness shouldn’t be confused with condoning or lack of accountability. Forgiveness requires that you are specific about acknowledging a particular failure and identify what you’ve learned. When you forgive yourself -- you don't forget the mistake, but it doesn't cause any trouble and you don't lose the memory of it.
Need more convincing … studies document that a chronic state of anger, resentment, and stress (as a result of ruminating on our failure) can cause or worsen diseases, such as cancer, heart disease, various autoimmune disorders, and mental health conditions. So, it’s time to say, “STOP” and let go. Press the RESET button.
What can you do to move forward?
Kier Brady (Blog post:7 Tips For Practicing Self-Forgiveness) provides 7 things to consider.
Define clearly what forgiveness means and looks like to you. This will help you take meaningful action.
Give yourself time to acknowledge your feelings and work through them.
Acknowledge what you did objectively.
Apologize to yourself and perhaps others.
Focus on what you learned and allow yourself to grow from the experience.
Make meaningful changes by first acknowledging your mistake, and then deciding on actions to help change your behavior so you don’t repeat the mistake again.
Practice compassion for yourself. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of forgiveness. Yes, you made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean that you’re a mistake. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend.
And, I have 2 more suggestions for you, especially if you logically are willing and if your challenge is trying to turn OFF the negative thoughts connected to your mistake or failure - that is, you are engaging in rumination.
Photo by Motoki Tonn
Mindfulness. Mindfulness directs our attention to the present experience. This shift helps us stop overthinking. You can engage in mindful breathing, mindful yoga, mindful walking, and even mindful eating. During each of these practices, you are focused on the act, you are consciously noticing how the act affects for. For example, with mindful breathing, you could notice your in-breath and your out-breath; how your lungs expand, what the air feels like, etc. The idea of mindfulness is to be present and non-judgementally notice slight changes when you engage in the practice slowly. Because your attention is on the represent you won’t focus on your negative thoughts.
Thought Disputation. Thought disputation is a process that is part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). During this process, you are challenging a deeper core negative belief, for example, that you are not good enough (e.g., to be forgiven for the mistake you made in your parenting). These core negative beliefs are also referred to as Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs). And just like ants they sneak up and creep along silently, and there’s never only one; always a bunch of them. So, with thought disputation you first need to be aware of your ANTs, find counter-evidence and dispute. For example, “Even though I was unjustly strict with my son Darrel, that is okay. I know I’m a good mother, we have a good relationship, and I have apologized for not getting clarification. I’ve learned to handle this type of situation better.”
Both mindfulness and thought disputation need practice and time. Be patient with yourself.
A mantra for you …
Mato J. Steger recommends that you say this every day until you believe it, and you’ll be free of your past you want to let go.
”I AM NOT THE PERSON I ONCE WAS. I am deserving of freedom of the chains I let my past place around me. I am deserving of a future and present that is happy and unconfined by my regret.”
What should you do if you can’t move forward?
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
If you’re struggling to forgive yourself, to turn off the inner critic within you, you may benefit from talking to a professional. Talking to a counselor can help you learn how to break unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaving in your life, and learn new and healthier ways of coping with mistakes.
Mindfulness and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are helpful strategies, so, for starters, I’d recommend looking for a therapist skilled in these approaches.